Trusting Life and Sunday night dancing

Damn this personal struggle! This pathetic and weak body! Damn the fighter within me that drives me! It’s four in the morning and I can’t sleep due to the pain. I’m shaking all over. When you live for each moment the way that I do these times are the hardest. So here I am dealing with it and at my computer at four in the morning.

I had to get up and write, lying in bed and thinking about how I miss wrapping myself in a man’s warmth and strength has me loosing my mind. It was impossible to keep myself warm tonight and the Kelpies were called to my side as I shivered in my bed full of longing. God I miss someone to touch my forehead and soothe the pain away.

Every so often I miss my old life. I’m not a materialistic person but last night dancing at the Loring I did feel that twinge of past memory and wishing for things gone by. I use to have money and nice things. I use to come out to places like this and sip wine and dine. Now I’m on the outside looking in. I go and dance and no one knows anything about me but that I’m a pretty face in the crowd.

When I left my husband he was so shocked that I choose this life. He didn’t see how I would manage but I am VERY resourceful. I’m prideful of my independent nature. I left the comfort of Seventy-some thousand a year to live this way in poverty. Sometimes even I can’t believe it. Actually it’s okay, but from time to time I sigh and remember.

Good wine, nice food, I do miss those things from time to time. My lawyer couldn’t believe that I was choosing a life of poverty and disability, that I was adamant about not wanting alimony. How could I even consider it though?

Alimony would keep that connection going between my ex-husband and myself. It would have never allowed him to truly move on and it would have dulled my resourcefulness. It just wouldn’t have been me. And so here I sit.

[I knew it upset him to watch me do this. He was so worried for me. But you know me -- just keep moving forward -- things will work out some how. I make it work out somehow. Didn’t he know that about me in the first place? That I was always this way?]

When I’m out dancing, folks talk about paying for privates and special instructors, the cost of which is equaled to two weeks worth of groceries or more! I’m so funny everything is measured by how much food I could buy with that. I now live 36% below the poverty level on about thirteen thousand a year.

Wow, and I’m managing with my doctors bills even! How do I do that you ask? I make sure to live within my means, debt free, and I opened up my house to others with limited resources.

Yes, I take in roommates to pay my mortgage, I barter with my doctors, and I’m good with a budget…any clothes I buy are usually less then four dollars at the goodwill store. (Hey the only one that knows is me!) And besides with a little creative sewing here and there I can make most anything fit me.

By allowing myself to trust life things just always work out.

My ex believed I’d return to him at some point -- there is a nice big house waiting for me in North Carolina. But seriously, for all this struggle, I realize I am a happy person. I like my life with all the challenges it holds. I’m happy.

Sure I live a most unconventional lifestyle with two roommates half my age but hey, for me, this has kept me in balance. No really, I’m so lucky to have found wonderful roommates. They bring me such joy. They share their world with me and I them. It’s the perfect solution. I was designed to be someone’s companion and so I tend to get lonely from time to time. It’s just my nature to be living with another person. So now I’m lucky to have these two roomies and their boyfriends, the dogs, and the ducks. The house is filled with joy, life and laughter. This is how I keep myself in balance since I know I do need to live with others.

Gee, guess I just needed to remind myself how wonderful my life is now. Who needs the wine and fancy stuff. My life is full and I’m complete. Now if only this body would allow me to sleep I could get on with life.