Overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with what I've found in David.

I've chose to love some in spite of who they were because my will is strong and I decided to do that. Now I love solely because it is truly the easiest path. The most rewarding. The most intoxicating.

I am not caught up in the fiery pursuit of a man's desire, but the abundance of more being offered to me if I want it. This is the way David has wooed me from the very beginning.

This is such a big difference. Because of it I want to champion his causes and pursuits. How can I help him succeed in his endeavors? I am a clever woman, I will find away.

My eyes, darkened by desire, close with the slightest tear of abandon wetting my lash.
I cry.
I beg.
Love me uncontrollably.
Wrap yourself around my soul, so tight, no room for even breath.
I gasp...
To wail.
To plead.
You must give me what I want for this is what you want.
We are one and the same.
Your hand releases my hair. My breath softens in your ear. Sleep approaches.

Thelonius is gone.

He died in his sleep and I cry with love for my roommate Monica. That little guinea pig that made my roomie laugh each day, played kissy face with Junior, and got us all talking in high squeaky voices, is gone.

He was very old and his mate had died long before him. He did good to live so long and pain free through Monica's gentle care. The house is very quiet today.

Sometimes The Simplest Things Are The Sweetest.

I came home last night at midnight to find Monica on the floor playing with the dogs and just smiled. When I threw myself down on the couch both dogs were like Velcro and were glued to me for petting and kisses.

Monica always laughs at this and says, "What am I? Chopped liver?" She holds no grudge against my shaggy companions for loving her one-minute, and then totally disregarding her the next when I enter the room.

Sri heard us laughing and came out to see what was up. So here we are, the three of us late in the evening, being entertained by Shorty's unsuccessful attempts to tell the stupid humans he would like to play with the toy up on the fridge. In his frustration he actually went over to the hand towel hanging on the fridge and pulled at it. That got a lot of laughs from all of us.

This out of everything in my life brings me such great joy. Just as simple as my roomies, and I hanging out doing a whole lot of nothing -- enjoying each other's company.

Things that top my list this week:
David's "David look"
My roommates laughter
Two tangos that caused time to melt away. No pain, nothing else only music existing.

Earth to Drama Queen

Yeah, I know. I've been irritated and tried to indirectly push the guy I'm seeing away, that was a great idea. I've picked at my roommates and who knows what else simply because I am not happy with my health issues right now. I want improvement now! Anything else is unacceptable. I got my hopes up over a few things that have not panned out or been solutions to my CFS. And a goal I set for myself is too high and I know it. That makes me mad but of course I won't stop trying. Sigh.

In fighting against what is I have managed to let unhappiness eek out and corrupt my relationships. Bad, bad Jean!

So today I plan to clean like a maniac and kiss my boys on their doggie noses and go dancing to put some joy back into my life. Plus gotta get my butt out to the farm for some country air as soon as possible before I go too crazy!!

The meds are a bit screwy right now and I have a call into the doctor about whether upping my thyroid stuff is causing this unexplained agitation.

I'm pushing everyone and myself these days and that is not good. Angel and I are going to start practicing here at the house on Tuesdays and the book project is giving me plenty to work on during the day so I think if I keep myself occupied I will be in much better shape. I've taken up walking everyday and hate it. It's so boring but I have a goal and will see how far the walking gets me. Yes, exercise does help and sadly I know it may take over a year to see any true results but that shouldn't let me make excuses.

I wanted to volunteer for We Can Ride but I am not strong enough to manage leading a horse and walk an hour yet. For that matter I would not be reliable on a weekly basis. (Who knows what my body can do from one day to the next!?) So you can see how highly annoyed I am with myself right now. Mentoring at the elementary school at least makes me feel useful.

I am really mad at myself and I need to knock that off.

My eyes, darkened by desire, close with the slightest tear of abandon wetting my lash.
I cry.
I beg.
Love me uncontrollably.
Wrap yourself around my soul, so tight, no room for even breath.
I gasp...
To wail.
To plead.
You must give me what I want for this is what you want.
We are one and the same.
Your hand releases my hair. My breath softens in your ear. Sleep approaches.

My eyes, darkened by desire, close with the slightest tear of abandon wetting my lash.
I cry.
I beg.
Love me uncontrollably.
Wrap yourself around my soul, so tight, no room for even breath.
I gasp...
To wail.
To plead.
You must give me what I want for this is what you want.
We are one and the same.
Your hand releases my hair. My breath softens in your ear. Sleep approaches.

Love Hurts

I’ve been immune for so long that I thought I had a good handle on things. There I was minding my own business and wham, love hits me hard over the head. “Ow”, I say, “What was that?” I’m left staggering around seeing stars.

There is no gentle way to get my attention, either you command it or you don’t. I must be hit over the head. What can I say? I’m quite willful and if I have my way I will continue on blissfully unaware or so I pretend.

I really thought things were going well and when I least expected it I got blindsided. This summer I left so many guys in the dust it’s not funny. Some folks date for the sake of dating. Not me. One sweet man suggested I just go out with him as friends and have fun. He’s so hopeful.

It used to be that all my friends were guys. I was so naive. Over time most would end up professing their love to me and I’d be hard pressed, trying desperately to keep it just friendship. It never worked. The guys got frustrated or angry watching me with other men. Now I know better.

So anyway here I am. A little shaken with this big lump on my head. Love’s big wooden mallet packs a hard punch! It makes me a bit crazy. It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt like this.

Good lord it’s embarrassing to find myself staggering around trying to find my equilibrium. I tend to be fearless in the face of such an adversary as love, stepping right up there. Must have got hit hard though because I’m still a little shaken. If I can only catch my balance I will be a force to be reckoned with, wailing away with my own love mallet.