The Sad Day Has Finally Come.

Yes, today we say goodbye to my old departed computer. It did limp its way along for me for about 9 or 10 years, dear old thing! Fortunately I have the back-up of my latest revisions to my training book.

And since I’m waiting for a publisher I’ve decided to self-publish. Of course, too funny that I decide this now that my computer has bit the dust. There have been several requests for my book and my friend Mr. Bob wants to have copies to sell at some of his seminars. I think that’s pretty cool. So what the hell, I mean why not? I’m much stronger and think I can manage this just fine without causing myself any big crash and burns. My only obstacle now is getting a new computer, sigh, how I hate such an expense but it was inevitable.

This day has finally come. Farewell dear whirring drive and sticky keys. So long, oh broken CD drive I used a paperclip to open. You gave your all to me and I loved you for it.

A Chancy Thing.

Sometimes I don’t know what to think. Giving my love out fully is always a chancy thing. But this is more like my pride is hurt. I’m feeling numb I guess. I thought I was giving my love interest another chance to smooth things over from Wednesday night’s fiasco, he on the other hand was accepting that we were quits. Sure wish he’d been clear on that a little earlier.

Boy does he know how to shoot himself in the foot all right. And I guess I know how to pick them. God life is strange and odder then ever is the fact that I can love anyone so fully without getting that returned. Evidently it was really, really, one sided.

But luckily I am still me, and loved by my friends. Too bad, he could have had all of me if he wanted but things really always do work out in the end, I’m a firm believer in that.

I realized as I watched the guy out there dancing how it was self-fulfilling I suppose — he said that he had a tendency to mess things up and couldn’t stay in relationships for very long — goodness he sure proved that to be true. If he just wasn’t so controlling maybe women would stay with him longer. Is that me sounding a bit angry now? Sorry.

What a silly goof, it’ll pain me to see him continue to be so unhappy for a while since I do care. Perhaps he should allow himself and others more room for error. Until then those that care about him will just have to watch him do this stupid stuff over and over again.

Ironically I spent more time with his daughter and she knew me better then he did and realizing that is kind of strange. his daughter and I actually took a dance class together for a while and we had great fun. What a bummer I loose two people at once from my life just like that.

Packing Up My Love.

Yesterday I mourned the loss of what was for me a possible developing relationship, and an ideal of what I wished this one relationship could have been but wasn't. In all truth I was in love with part of a man, trying really hard to accept the whole man. I think it was the same for him. It didn’t work.

He single handedly, in one foul swoop, did the one thing that would drive me away. He drunkenly, physically pushed me, and gave me an ultimatum…it came down to my free will or him. I choose my free will.

Later after taking my things and walking away I weaken my resolve when I found he did not remember what he’d said to me exactly the night before, and that there was a miscommunication so I talked to him and thought we were going to give it a second chance. But oddly, instead of this guy wanting to make things right between us, he was very cool towards me. He was done too but not telling me so and actually slept with me once more all the while I thought we were on the mend. As I look back, that kind of creeps me out and I find I have a real loss of respect for him because of it.

Well everything works out in the end and he is done with me and I with him. The reality is that in my heart I know I worked hard to understand him but quietly viewed him with some faults I was dismayed by. I’m sure on his end he found some of mine equally bad. A major one for me is -- being wishy-washy and always ready to change my mind on a thing. That’s my biggest weakness and I know it. I’m sure there were other things he didn’t quite like about me, there always are.

Reality has a way of smacking me upside the head, and as I woke-up this morning, I found even though I didn’t like it, my sanity had returned. I actually feel relieved. I’m still heart sick don’t get me wrong, and more then ever want love in my life but this man was not for me or should I say I was not for him. He pulled me into his world but had no time to enter mine. Where can love be in that?

In the almost three months we spent together not once did he see me doing either of the two things I’m most passionate about. In fact he really could not know me at all until he had. He never saw me working with my dogs on livestock or dance a Tango. He never saw me talking with my friends or family. He simply had no time for my world he was too busy going out dancing/socializing/working in his to take a moment to investigate mine. And that is one of his reasons for breaking it off, he simply has no time for it, me, whatever.

I know he wasn't falling in love with me since anyone in love finds time somehow to make things work. For instance if he'd wanted to he could have taken one of the nights he went out with his friends dancing to just go spend that out alone with me somewhere in a public place. We never, the two of us, went out alone together but for our first and last date. Week after week he found time to go out alone with various friends of his but never with me.

I felt as though he actually was just fitting me in. Too funny. I'm glad though. I'm glad for any chance at love however short lived or one sided. Because eventually I know I there will always be love for me out there.

Well time to pack up my love and move on. Giving my love out again as always to my friends and family but no others. So dear friends when you see me next give me a big old hug, it will help me refocus and direct my love where it belongs on all of you.

One of the Many Places That We Lived.

Talking to my Mom today we some how got on the subject of an old house we once leased in the small town of Wilmore, Kentucky. What crazy times we had in that place. It had two bedrooms on the first floor, a bedroom upstairs and a basement mother-in-law apartment.

Such fond memories we had of the nine months we spent in that place right across the street from our church. Well at least we can laugh about those times now anyway.

My Mom was in seminary and chose to rent out the basement apartment to two other seminarian guys she knew. She had given my sister Margo one of the downstairs bedrooms, while Mom and I shared the other.

And lucky Joe, my brother, got the upstairs bedroom. That upstairs room was cool. Joe was in heaven. There were odd furnishings left here and there in the house by the owners. One such furnishing was a lion skin on the wall of Joe’s room. Now in the stipulation of the lease, a two-page single-spaced front and back typed affair, it asked that none of these items be removed or touched.

Well one of the first things to happen in that place was the tail falling off the lion skin. A sad omen of things to come I’m afraid. As luck would have it, soon after, the basement flooded out the seminarians and they were moved upstairs with Joe. They endured their close living arrangements with our family as best as they could, witnessing the goings on of a house full of teenagers.

Everything from my Mother discovering I’d conned the neighbors across from the house we planned to buy into taking care of a puppy a whole month for me, telling them, “Of course my Mother knows I have this puppy”, to my Mom charging Margo money for driving her to school every time she missed the bus.

During this time my sister and I fought horribly over everything from the use of the bathroom mirror to TV channels. On one such occasion we must have been incredibly loud waking up the sleeping men upstairs on a Saturday morning with one of our fights over socks. That afternoon we found a laundry basket full of them with a note “Please help yourselves so that next weekend we can all sleep in peace!”

Yes, for sure those were fun times. Of course I’m not sure how the seminarians remember it.