Packing Up My Love.

Yesterday I mourned the loss of what was for me a possible developing relationship, and an ideal of what I wished this one relationship could have been but wasn't. In all truth I was in love with part of a man, trying really hard to accept the whole man. I think it was the same for him. It didn’t work.

He single handedly, in one foul swoop, did the one thing that would drive me away. He drunkenly, physically pushed me, and gave me an ultimatum…it came down to my free will or him. I choose my free will.

Later after taking my things and walking away I weaken my resolve when I found he did not remember what he’d said to me exactly the night before, and that there was a miscommunication so I talked to him and thought we were going to give it a second chance. But oddly, instead of this guy wanting to make things right between us, he was very cool towards me. He was done too but not telling me so and actually slept with me once more all the while I thought we were on the mend. As I look back, that kind of creeps me out and I find I have a real loss of respect for him because of it.

Well everything works out in the end and he is done with me and I with him. The reality is that in my heart I know I worked hard to understand him but quietly viewed him with some faults I was dismayed by. I’m sure on his end he found some of mine equally bad. A major one for me is -- being wishy-washy and always ready to change my mind on a thing. That’s my biggest weakness and I know it. I’m sure there were other things he didn’t quite like about me, there always are.

Reality has a way of smacking me upside the head, and as I woke-up this morning, I found even though I didn’t like it, my sanity had returned. I actually feel relieved. I’m still heart sick don’t get me wrong, and more then ever want love in my life but this man was not for me or should I say I was not for him. He pulled me into his world but had no time to enter mine. Where can love be in that?

In the almost three months we spent together not once did he see me doing either of the two things I’m most passionate about. In fact he really could not know me at all until he had. He never saw me working with my dogs on livestock or dance a Tango. He never saw me talking with my friends or family. He simply had no time for my world he was too busy going out dancing/socializing/working in his to take a moment to investigate mine. And that is one of his reasons for breaking it off, he simply has no time for it, me, whatever.

I know he wasn't falling in love with me since anyone in love finds time somehow to make things work. For instance if he'd wanted to he could have taken one of the nights he went out with his friends dancing to just go spend that out alone with me somewhere in a public place. We never, the two of us, went out alone together but for our first and last date. Week after week he found time to go out alone with various friends of his but never with me.

I felt as though he actually was just fitting me in. Too funny. I'm glad though. I'm glad for any chance at love however short lived or one sided. Because eventually I know I there will always be love for me out there.

Well time to pack up my love and move on. Giving my love out again as always to my friends and family but no others. So dear friends when you see me next give me a big old hug, it will help me refocus and direct my love where it belongs on all of you.