Canadian Mosquitoes

Doreen’s trailer was a loaner. She’d gotten it from her brother, who used it on hunting trips. It had been cleaned from top to bottom and new curtains were added to the windows to liven up the rustic worn interior. The screened windows surrounded the small trailer, and were, every single one, cranked open to air the place out.

Now let me tell you about Doreen. She isn’t very tall but what she lacks in stature she makes up for in spunk and feisty spirit. The dear friend that she is to me, she had decided to “take care of Jean” on our excursion up to Canada together. This little petite blonde was a bustle of activity. Pulling her hair back from her face and tucking it into a ponytail at the back of her neck, she didn’t miss a beat with her cleaning. On a mission, she would not be stopped even by stray hair in her eyes as she readied the small trailer for its road trip, making sure everything was perfect for me, worrying for my comfort.

Where was I in all of this? On my way, headed towards her farm, in my little truck with my little dogs and my little suitcase in huge spirits, singing at the top of my lungs with the radio on. It’s my favorite thing to do as I travel you know -- sing along with the radio.

I got to her farm at about nine that morning and we took our time packing up our gear. José was there to help. José is Doreen’s husband and Doreen from time to time admits to me how lucky she is to be married to him. At these times I am so incredibly jealous! José was in charge of hooking the trailer to my truck and wiring the taillights. We were ready to go by ten o’clock, all but the taillights that is.

Doreen and I took turns watching the taillights as José would jiggle something and yell, “Anything now?” And for almost an hour our replies continued to be, “No, not yet”. Finally one taillight blinked on and off. We cheered! Minutes later each time the truck’s left signal came on the trailer’s right taillight blinked. Oh my lord we were so close and yet this was going to drive us crazy!

José was so pleasant through this whole thing. He crawled around the trailer to find the wiring and got down to fixing the problem. By now he had started a cheerful whistle. I was impressed. However could he keep his cool? I know if that were myself in there, I’d be cussing like a sailor by now. It was nearing eleven o’clock as I told Doreen how amazed I was that José was showing no signs of frustration. She just laughed. She told me, “He is so angry right now he could blow a gasket. When he starts whistling I know to keep out of his way”.

Well there you go, nothing like taking a trip to cause everyone to lose their minds, even the husband who wasn’t going.

José did get the problem fixed and we were soon on our way stopping within the hour for lunch. It might just take us a while to get to Thunderbay but hey we were on the road, whoo-hoo!

We got to our destination late that evening and got situated for the night. It was a pleasant one except for the mosquitoes. We locked the place up tight. All but the windows, trusting the screens to protect us from blood hungry visitors. A few of the pesky winged things were trapped inside with us but it was a cool summer’s evening, and I threw my blanket over my head and slept straight through the night.

The next day we woke up to the humming of mosquitoes in the quiet morning air. Our first order of the day was to kill off every one we could find and figure out where they had come in from. Above where Doreen had slept under the curtain the window was full of them. We couldn’t believe our eyes. “Aaah”, we exclaimed as we laughed and smacked at them with our fly swatter. I inspected all the screens for holes and taped any that looked suspect. Our dogs had slept in kennels in the back of my truck. As we lifted the topper lid to my truck a cloud of blood sucking vampires came gushing out.

Both Doreen and I ducked and ran screaming with surprise. Oh lord our poor dogs! We let them out hugging and laughing, kissing them on their noses and promising them that tonight they could sleep in our beds.

Soon we were to forget our mosquito fiasco. Today we would be attending a herding seminar and there was nothing to dampen our spirits. Not even the sweltering heat of the day could stop us from enjoying the company of our most wonderful Canadian friends, making good-humored jokes, and cheering on the hard working dogs.

Later that afternoon I was coaxed into giving one of my puppy training demos. We worked with a few puppies and then Junior awed the crowd with jumping the fence to reach me and showing some advanced moves. When Junior was done he leapt back over the fence so he could happily greet all the spectators. People just love this and everyone clapped for Junior.

Folks delight in my dogs who have learned to work the crowd for attention. The dogs will start at one end of a fence line with folks sitting in their chairs, putting their doggie heads in people’s laps for pats as if to say, “Hi, how are you” before moving on to the next person in line.

That night proved to be an extremely warm one as we sat by our trailer grilling steak and potatoes. Doreen sat smoking her cigarettes and drinking her diet cherry Dr Pepper as the sun lowered gradually behind the tree line. We talked about the day, tired but laughing cheerfully. I pulled my chair closer towards hers as I realized the mosquitoes were starting to come out, hoping that her smoke would keep them at bay a while longer.

Doreen is an ever pleasant and happy travel companion. She has a huge heart and a very giving, generous spirit. Knowing how important it is for me to eat right, throughout the trip she was bound and determined to make sure that I was properly fed and that evening was no exception. I happily stuffed myself and ate the last of the potatoes at her request.

It had been a fine day but we were beat and planned on turning in early. Did I say the night was a warm one? Well to be more specific I should say it was stifling hot. Dusty, sticky, hair stuck to your forehead, hot.

And there we were, all of us, two hot women and three panting kelpie dogs, in this small trailer trying to share one small fan. As we turned out the lights and sat in the dark the mosquitoes descended upon us. Now we had taken every precaution we could think of shutting ourselves in our trailer and making sure we were bug free from the start. In desperation we closed all the windows but still they came. In the dark we lay there smacking ourselves and laughing about it. It struck us both funny. Each time we heard the other slapping hard -- sometimes even saying ouch – a new peal of laughter would start. It was midnight by the time we gave into our laughter and opened the windows for air. I could hardly breathe from the heat as I resolutely kept the sheets over my head and hoped the dogs were drawing the insects away from me, and getting bitten instead.

That morning found us a bit worse for wear but undaunted to spend another delightful day out in the fields with our dogs and the assurance we would head out for home that afternoon no matter what. Never were to women so happy to be back in the States as we were that night, greeted by our own comparably less hungry mosquitoes, air-conditioning and soft beds.

Divine Justice and Forgiveness

What is forgiveness? I had to stop and really think about that. I was talking to a friend and her definition and mine were different. Mine was to stop being angry about or resenting somebody or somebody’s behavior. To turn one’s back to that situation that hurt me because it no longer exists and holds no power over me.

I feel nothing about this thing anymore. It is the past. I am now in the present.

Because I know holding on to that anger of injustice keeps me locked into that memory forever as a victim, I will forgive and forget releasing it forever. That is the only way I know to get out of an energy sucking debt and release the past that is trying to weigh me down.

Forgiveness does not mean saying that what happened to me doesn't matter or that what that person did to me was alright, it means releasing the negative feelings I have about that person or event. What a complex psychological process! And how hard to explain how to do it!!

I believe divine energy will be blocked if you continue to hold on to your resentments. Holding on to these bad feelings prevents you from moving on with your life.

And like wise when we feel we should be able to divvy out justice we become unbalanced as well, let divine justice play out. Releasing myself from any form of hatred, or self-righteous justice I may seek, frees me to move on unencumbered. Each time my mind goes to think about how I was wronged, I make a conscious effort to change those thoughts, redirecting my mind to something pleasant instead. Over time those negative thoughts will come to mind less and less until I am able to reset my thinking entirely.*

The heart is the center of our body and is the focal point for all emotions, those of love, kindness, jealousy, anger and hatred. Challenges of the heart include learning the value of forgiveness and unconditional love. For me it’s a never-ending process as I continue to forgive, moving thru life and living in the present.

Mind Over Matter and EFT

I don’t know why when we actually verbalize what we are thinking there can be a more powerful emotional response to it. It’s like speaking our feelings out loud causes us to admit that what’s going on quietly in our heads is real. That must be why for some speaking positive affirmations can work so well. They are making it truth for the whole world to hear. You know how they say, “seeing is believing”, well in this case “saying is admitting”. Now consider combining this mental positive attitude with something more physical like acupressure. Do you know about acupressure? That it can reset the body’s energy causing it to flow more strongly throughout the body?

In Oriental medicine the use of the body's subtle energies, known as QI (pronounced Chi), has been the building block that all its practices revolve around for millenniums. Acupressure is one of these practices. Energy holds us all together, each and every molecule, with intense vibration and attraction. All these tiny particles make up our perception of the solid world around us. This is fact folks, really it is. I know it sounds like some kind of science fiction story but this is physics and real science! (About physics and the world around us go to: http://www.colorado.edu/physics/2000/index.pl)

I’m sharing all this to build up to explaining in terms you can understand why the use of a psychological acupressure technique can be so powerful that it can actually change our health and mental well-being. No doubt you have met someone who was angry all the time and you couldn’t help but think, if they just changed their point of view life would be so much better for them. (And for everyone else around them) That if they could change the way they think, the world would actually be a wonderful place in which to live and be happy. Well there is a way to do this.

An article was published in the Journal Of Clinical Psychology, one of the most prestigious psychological journals out there, discussing advantages and limitations for a tapping technique known as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).*

This EFT is a form of acupressure tapping, using the same energy meridians found in traditional acupuncture to treat physical and emotional ailments, but without the invasiveness of needles. Instead, tapping with the fingertips is used to generate and excite energy onto specific meridians on the head, chest or back while one thinks or voices a specific problem adding a positive affirmation to reset those emotional responses.

Our emotions, no matter how strong minded we are, constantly drive us -- knowingly or unknowingly. They can keep us from doing or feeling the way we would like. This is what is referred to as an emotional block. Once you can acknowledge or locate an emotional block you can deal with it using EFT.

As strange as all this may sound, you should know about EFT’s very high rate of success, the use of it has spread rapidly, and medical practitioners employing EFT can now be found in every corner of the world. When I first saw a demonstration I was quite skeptical. But fired by my desire to become a more healthy happy person, I decided to try it. I thought to myself, “What will it hurt. It’s free, I can do it at home in privacy and no one need know”. I had some intense success with it in aiding me to sleep through the night so I found myself going to a few more of these seminars, and learning more complex ways to use this technique.

One day I even volunteered to be demonstrated on and it was the turning point to my struggle with CFIDS! The clinician had the experience along with strong personal energy levels they used to totally eliminate a huge emotional block that was preventing me from getting well. When I sat back down it was as if this incredible weight had been lifted from me. My mind was sharp, I was sitting upright in my seat and I actually felt very hungry. It was pretty funny. I went home, had a good meal and produced some of the best writing ever on a book project I was working on. Suddenly I was much more social. I started to do my own grocery shopping and even fell in love and had a boyfriend in my life. Things really were looking up for me when I discovered EFT. My mindset changed from viewing myself as broken and sick, to challenged but complete and at peace with myself.

What I knew intellectually, that health comes from a strong body and a strong mind, I was just now putting into practice in a real way. Sure I had meditated, sure I had used positive affirmations, sure I had used positive thinking but this was different. I was now able to put body and mind together to heal myself. To learn how to do EFT for your self go to www.mercola.com or www.emofree.com.

When you try this technique for yourself remember you are dealing with the body’s own natural energy, so things that can interfere with it electromagnetically, like wearing a watch or glasses should be taking off while you’re trying to tap and excite these meridian points to reset them.

If you are finding no success or limited success, it maybe that you are to low in your own personal energy levels, and you are unable to reset yourself. Have no fear, there are some wonderful practitioners out there that use this technique and can assist you with EFT. (www.eftsupport.com or www.usenature.com/eft1.htm) In fact I recommend you seek an experienced person to help you in the beginning. For emotions that deal with or have created physical problems it is often better to tap on the meridians found down the back, this naturally must be done with someone else’s assistance.

Many athletes and businessmen are discovering this technique as well. A very successful doctor in Australia gives executive seminars on EFT. Our words and thoughts are a powerful thing. The more folks experiment and use this form of energy work, they are able to create a new truth within and outside themselves for the whole world to see.

* For any who would like to further research into this, the article information is: Wells, S., Polglase, K., Andrews, H., Carrington, P., & Baker, A.H. (Sept. 2003). Evaluation of a Meridian-Based Intervention, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), for Reducing Specific Phobias of Small Animals. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 59 (9). 943-966. (http://www.eftsupport.com/OrderReprints.htm) Yes, folks this can be used on your pets too!

Whispers of Adventure
(Memories of 2001 and the last chapter of my book)

The world has opened up to me, full of wonder and challenge. My heart bursts with emotion when I think of how having CFS brought me to my knees and all the wonderful life lessons I’ve experienced along the way.

Although there is a driving force within me that makes me keep trying to be that strong person I know I am, I try each day to also live in acceptance of who I’ve become.

A friend once sent me this questionnaire that was designed so that the recipients could reply with their answers and we could know each other better. They were simple things like: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Well, one of the questions asked was what’s your favorite day of year? My reply was and will always be, the first day of the year I get see my friend, the famous Mr. Bob Vest.

I use to be really shy around him. He knew it and teased me something awful, but I loved every minute of it. I still do! Spending time with Mr. Bob is the highlight of my summer months and all my friends know it.

For me, Mr. Bob is the kind of person that when I leave his presence I leave feeling better then I do before coming. He constantly chuckles and points out interesting things my dogs are doing so I can understand them better. He even gave me the title for this book and helped me find an ending. Because of my many conversations with Mr. Bob and the passion I have for working my dogs I have discovered I can do things I didn’t think I could. I think a real turning point was a very bad day I had during a spring seminar Mr. Bob was giving locally. [Photo] [Caption: Mr. Bob Vest]

I will never forget we were out at a herding dog trial in Scandia, MN. My friend Chris was there as well as Edna Grabow, the breeder of my darling dogs, and many others I know, to watch and compete in this trial. Mr. Bob was one of the judges and the trial happened to be running a bit late past lunchtime. I always bring a bunch of stuff to snack on just in case that happens, since I don’t do well putting off eating. So I ate all the food I had as I waited.

But I had overextended myself that week and was really struggling to keep my energy level up. The travel out to Scandia every day for Mr. Bob’s seminar had done me in. I knew I was on the verge of one of my “crash and burns,” but there was nothing I could do. I was in no condition to drive myself home, so I hoped going out with everyone to eat lunch would do the trick.

This was to be the first time that I would have a “crash and burn” out in public in front of my friends. There are only two people who know me well enough that can see my crashes coming. Mr. Bob is one of them. He can see my movements slowing and my speech becoming more slurred.

Well, Mr. Bob looked at me and asked if I was all right – I am very stubborn and prideful so I told him I was fine and excused myself to go to the restroom. It hit me hard! I could barely move. I just folded up on the tile floor and lay there. It’s bad when I find myself lying on a cold dirty bathroom floor in a public place. All I could think of was Crap, how much time has gone by, I have got to get up while I still can or they will have to break the door down to get me.

The best I can compare to what it feels like when I have a “crash and burn” is when runners have used up their last bit of adrenaline to cross the finish line and they collapse. Sometimes their legs just give out and people actually catch them as they fall. They just lie by the side of the track, sometimes even sobbing with exhaustion, gasping for breath, just too weak to pick up their heads. That’s what it’s like for me. All the adrenaline leaves my body and I collapse, all weak and struggling to breathe.

Anyway, I crawled out of the restroom, stood up and slid into the nearest empty booth. I caught the eye of one of the folks at our table and asked them to get Chris’s attention. This was one of the worse days ever in my life. Right here and now, everyone could see this dreadful thing that happens to me, this thing I so desperately try to hide from the world.

All I knew was I had to somehow get out to the truck before my muscles stopped working entirely. I was not about to end up lying there on the floor of that restaurant! No way were folks going to carry me out like a baby! Thank God, Chris saved my pride by helping me walk out.

It was very embarrassing because I couldn’t help myself and was crying as she took me out of the restaurant – her arm under mine supporting me. It just hurt so bad to try to move my legs and walk, I couldn’t help the sobbing. My body was in such an extremely depressed and pained state.

Chris sat me down, outside against the building, so she could get my keys and bring the truck up closer to load me in. I still remember the humiliation of being so weak I couldn’t dig the keys out of my pocket, and she had to do it for me. She put me back in my truck bed with a blanket, fed me some food and then let me rest.

One of my biggest flaws is this chip on my shoulder to prove I am as tough as anybody else. I’ve always been this way. So even though I know I have this medical problem, I’m still silly and prideful.

As it ends up, since Edna rode in with Chris, she could drive my truck and I back to my place for me. Things always work out, somehow.

I look back and I think how rotten that day was but also what a blessing in disguise it was, too. You see, if that hadn’t happened, I would still be trying to cover this up and never have gained the confidence to actually travel. Now that I know it’s just me that feels weird about this problem and no one else, I’m much more social and I don’t live in fear of folks seeing this happen to me. Weird huh, how if I hadn’t had one of the most embarrassing days of my life I would have missed out on all these great adventures!


Now if I “crash and burn” in public it gives others a chance to do something good for their karma points and it gives me a lesson in pride. Life is so crazy!

It’s so important to be able to compare the good and the bad. It makes the good so much more wonderful to witness. That’s what my life’s been, you see, something wonderful to witness. I have had the most incredible joys enter my life and as you all know now, they came with wagging tails.

Shorty gave me back my sense of humor and an appreciation for all those tiny ironies in life. He told me volumes in his looks and actions. Junior’s interaction with Shorty gave me insights beyond words. Who knew listening to my dogs would take me so far OR teach me so much!

*******************
Bright Ideas
I’ve been herding with Shorty and Junior together as a way to give Shorty confidence to gather and bring sheep back from long out run. (He had confidence problems after getting battered by a crazy ewe.) Shorty has been so much more willing to bring in the sheep with Junior backing him up, so I thought this was a good idea.

But Junior is a bit of a goof, running wide circles and heading off the sheep. I could see Shorty was getting perturbed. He’d run out there with Junior. At first it was picture perfect as they chose separate sides and swung around behind the sheep. Then Shorty watched as Junior circled the fort and kept heading off the flock.

They were stuck in this odd dance with Shorty pushing the sheep my way and Junior holding them in place.

Shorty just looked out at me from that distance, as if to say, “Well I’m not naming names but someone – black, and lives in the same house as me (a complete and entire idiot) – is preventing me from bringing you the sheep!”

As I called from my place in the distance, encouraging Shorty to keep trying, he stood and looked at me in disgust. Junior naturally was oblivious, running full out
then creeping at the sheep from odd angles, not anywhere near pushing the flock in
my direction.

Shorty says to me, “Sure you thought this would make things easier, so much for another of your bright ideas. I’m not working with this clown!” About that time I realized he was quite right. I’d never done distance out runs with Junior, and Junior was just going for it with no idea what was expected.

He had invented a new game for himself and was in heaven.

Spinning wide and toying with the sheep, Junior said, ”I’ll push you here, I’ll push you there, but you’re not really going anywhere. Ah, hah, hah, hah!” His mad laughter filled the air.
******************

There is something to look forward to in each and every one of my days. Seeing through my dogs’ eyes, it’s fascinating to see how the slightest change in placing a new object on the floor can be cause for so much celebration. Who cares that it’s just a piece of paper I dropped earlier, left forgotten.

It’s an exciting discovery to be danced over and tossed around. The moment is not lost on my dogs! Adventures abound when I choose to follow their lead. To relish the tiny details that cross my path.

The Kelpies pull me from my bed and out into the world. They know each and every one of my darkest moments of pain and seclusion, as well as each and every one
of my triumphs of laughter and joy. They are my closest companions, the keeper of
my secrets.

The Kelpies whispered in my ear of adventure and challenge. Their tales of running free and controlling herds of sheep found us out in bright green pastures, reveling in the sunshine. Because of my dogs I have gone on incredible journeys and met the most interesting people, and I continue to do so!

In Canada we bounded through tall grassy fields and entertained onlookers as Shorty forgot himself and went from pushing the sheep along a path to chasing butterflies.

Every herding excursion is just the adventure my Kelpies promise it to be!

We travel to Iowa where I can stand on a hill and feel as if I could touch the sky. Grit and dust in my hair, the dogs smiling in anticipation out in open country. Getting to experience not only the wonders of sheep, but also cattle and farm cats!

It is the most amazing thing to me that I can step into my dogs’ world of wonder and be so taken away. I am swept up in the experience and connection I have with them. As we work together, everything else just fades. I might walk out into that pasture aching from head to toe, sometimes gasping for breath with my exertion, only to see it all disappear as my dogs and I set out to gather and take the sheep to some other place. To find that sense of purpose we didn’t have until just then.

Rain or shine, the wind whipping at my face, the heat beating down on me, what an exhilarating feeling. I am never so truly alive as when I am out in those fields with
my dogs.

So in your travels when you look out into those fields, expect to find us there – me, in my western hat, with Shorty bounding through the tall grass, and Junior out pushing the sheep along, ever steady and constant.

Well everybody it’s not been the best of days for me. I spent the whole day flat on my back in bed due to some killer back pain, when I called my two sweet dogs up there to keep me company. Junior miscalculated and landed half on my chest. I laughed but it hurt like hell. When my breast wouldn’t stop aching, I thought what the ???

I rubbed on the spot and discovered a nodule a little larger then my thumb in size. Like I said not the best of days. I’m a little thing and the slightest of lumps would stand out on me so there’s no mistaking this for what it is. I know without a doubt this is just a fibrous mass and nothing more but I will be a good girl and have it checked out. Have the fluid drawn out, whatever the doctor tells me, I’ll do.

But knowing what checking this out entails makes me a very unhappy camper. I am so sick of tests. I have gone through so many tests I just want to scream to go through any more. I know the mammogram diagnostic is simple and I’ve been through ultra sound many times before for stuff. I just am so sick of doctor’s offices I could scream. Why do you think I learned to give myself my own injections?

So in a celebration of life I will get my act together, strap on my back brace (if need be), and go Tango dancing because life is to short to be lying in bed, pain or no pain. Know what I mean? I’m going to have this pain whatever I choose to do so for a while I’ll block it out with good company and wonderful music. I’m not so sure I’ll be dancing any tonight -- maybe a gentle dance or two. I will love those around me as I do myself and that will be enough for me for now.

It’s interesting how our experiences, if we are in tune with them, are there to teach us something right before we need it most. I’m back from dancing last night and found myself in a new dilemma. One of my men to dance with asked me out for tea. I was surprised. He knows nothing about me but undoubtedly picked just the right scenario to get to know me better. Well I thought maybe this was a sign or something. He is a most attractive man and one of only three man that make my heart race to dance with them. The dancing just sweeps me away.

My first thought was to go out with him. But I knew it was not due to attraction that I would do this but to acquire and keep the most awesome dance partner ever. My second thought was that due to his choice of attire he must be conservative and maybe even possibly a republican. Okay so I’m being a little silly here. But you have to admit, those of you that know me, know I live a most unconventional lifestyle. I’m under the opinion there are very few men that could honestly enjoy my quirky ways. So when I see someone in a wool suit jacket I do hesitate, knowing I myself am quite flamboyant. Whatever would we have in common?

Now as I considered how to handle this situation I realized I had just been through something similar. But had I learned my lesson? If I would listen to my inner voice it would be a no-brainer. I feel no attraction for this man so why even attempt to go there by having a bit of tea with him. Don’t get me wrong I am most flattered he is looking my way but I just am reminded of what I wrote a friend about being true to myself and sticking to my convictions.

I talked about the time when I was in high school that my Mom took my sister and I to a movie about Gandhi. During the scene where they horribly beat him, I was so moved that I threw my fist up in the air and exclaimed YES! There were sobs and weeping all around us, my sister included, who being appalled at my outburst, looked at my Mom and said, “How can she be so heartless!” But my Mother knew me well and told her, “Your sister is cheering Gandhi on for his courage”.

I am no Gandhi but I do have my own strong convictions and strength of spirit. No matter what I endure and am missing I strive to keep my heart pure, true to my beliefs, and how I approach life. When I love it’s a 100 percent full out, not split with my wish to know if there are greener pastures.

I don’t want to be dishonest with myself or anyone else. And here, people, is the crux of the matter. I would be dishonest if I were to in anyway lead this man on. So I will flatter him and continue to tell him, "Sorry no", in the hopes that he will be strong enough to handle it and continue to dance with me anyway.

Stay Gone

You know how when you’re off center and you just feel like crap? Sometimes I just try to ignore my inner voice. It’s like I barrel forward with my fingers in my ears singing, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you!”

Sometimes I sing, “I’m going to do it anyway and you can’t stop me, la, la, la!”

I can be so immature at times it’s just ridiculous. My joy had left me, and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. La, la, la, I can’t hear you…

I agreed to meet a man I found attractive, for lunch. After he left I didn’t feel a bit happy that I’d gotten to spend time alone with him. Lunch was a bit boring actually. Not to say he wasn’t good company, I just had my fingers in my ears and couldn’t hear a thing. From the inside or the outside!

The minute I unplugged my ears and got myself straighten out “Boom!” my joy came back and all my energy returned. I realized I was just using this guy. I was bored and I wanted to have someone in my life. I had become infatuated with the idea of this man and not cared about the man himself. But one kiss from him and there his girlfriend stood before me. What the hell kind of person am I anyway? I was sick at heart. My convictions came back to me. I'd been feeling nothing but conflict over how I was handling myself as well as my continuing mistrust of this man.

My inner voice had been trying to reach me for a while now. “Remember who you are”, it whispered. And I did. I got myself straighten out.

I became giddy-happy again, kissing and hugging my friends. The spirit and light returned, sparkling and shining, into my eyes -- back out on the dance floor I celebrated my life.

I belted out this song as I spun around the floor with my one of my favorite Rush guys, Jim, as he sang along with me,

“Baby, baby, stay right where you are.
I like it this way. It's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this in God knows how long.
I know everything's gonna be ok, if you just STAY GONE.”

I was reading a book’s acknowledgements when I came across the most wonderful words. “…Last, I don’t know how to thank my lovely wife, Roya—whose opinion I am addicted—for her kindness and grace…”

I thought that was pretty amazing. Most of us have a tendency to value the opinions of our family and loved ones less because we know them so well. We see those closest to us with all their human flaws on a daily basis. Knowing them inside and out as we do, we usually take our loved one’s opinions for granted, after all we know all their weaknesses – what do they know anyway -- they don’t even have the sense to wash dark colors with dark colors when doing the laundry.

Turning away to gather advice from others, we sometimes unknowingly disvalue the suggestions from those closest to us. Wow, do I have to remember that next time my Mother calls!

Yesterday the CFIDS had me in it’s vice grip. It was so painful getting up in the morning. After breakfast I was sitting there with my head hanging down, my hair in my eyes, just trying to hold on and keep myself out of bed. It was a loosing battle for most of the day. But I’m so lucky these days happen less and less to me and so I accept them and move through them knowing they will pass.

I try to live my life in balance, to listen to that little voice inside me and be true to myself. When I manage to get it right good things just happen more easily. I make better choices and doors open wide before me. I must be doing something right because yesterday it was as if the universe, knowing I needed to talk to people, sent them to me through out my day.

I got more phone calls in one day then I usually get in a week. Really it was as if my karmic powers had kicked in and I’d hit the jackpot. My soon to be new roommate showed up for a visit. That was very nice. She doesn’t move in till February. We’re bonding. She’s a sweetheart and I look forward to her moving in. Plus I got a call from a new and most handsome friend. Be still my heart. I was very surprised at that one.

When I have a bad day the good ones just feel so much better that I get a bit giddy. I want to give everyone I meet hugs and kisses just to celebrate this fabulous feeling! I am lucky indeed!

Tango Men

I’m going to take Tango lessons in Tuesday nights intermediate class. I was happy that the instructor said I could join this class even though I’m a beginner. I decided to try and see if I could keep up in there -- I’d rather dance with more experienced leaders -- it’s easier on me physically. The only thing I dread is that several guys for a while have been asking me to come out to practica on Tuesdays as well. I worry they will see me there and want me to stay and dance.

Actually I’d planned on going and practicing with one really great dancer but I decided to take classes instead just to see how I liked that first.

Of course now I have this dilemma in dealing with some of these other guys. It’s not horrible, but if I had it my way I’d rather not be shown how to dance by any of these others. There is one fellow I definitely need to avoid, he dances only close embrace. Augh, he says I’m doing everything wrong and wants to fix me and can’t wait to see me at a practica so he can straighten me out. I find it very limiting, his style of dancing, I want to move in and out of close embrace not be stuck there permanently.

A funny side note to that is at the time this dancer told me he wanted to fix me, we were at a Friday dance. The guy running the dance was sitting there setting up music and was watching us. Later he took me out on the floor and told me not to let that other guy teach me to dance. It was very fun dancing with this man. We danced some very fast Tangos, I was dizzy we were moving so fast, he rocks -- it was awesome. I got his point.

Each Tango guy has a different style it seems and each has a different way they want me to dance. I am beginning to put them in categories. So far I have the Tango Purists who feel that everything should be done as it is being done in Argentina. They strictly adhere to close embrace dancing.

Then there are the Sophisticates who move in and out between open and closed embrace. They are dancers that tend to have a more “ball room” style approach to Tango. They are very beautiful and elegant dancers but they can be snobby.

There are also the Contemporaries that have more free form movements and where perhaps (I’m only guessing here) experimenting is allowable. I see them mostly dancing open embrace. This group seems to keep to itself more then some of the others.

Where do I fit in? Well I disappointed myself. I am most happy when I belong to no one group. I like to freely move in and out of circles being able to fit in where ever and not be stuck in any one click. But I definitely gravitated towards the second group. I am simply more comfortable there with that style of dancing. Oh dear will I now be known as a Tango snob?

One night I danced with a guy visiting from Tampa. He was a charming professor of art history and had a most unique style. He definitely fell within the categories of a ballroom dancer with deep lunges and cross steps. What else could I do but follow his lead and mirror his moves. I matched his lunges low to the floor, at one point I found myself close and leaning into him as he lowered me into a carpa. His body trembled, holding me low. I was dangerously close to brushing his neck with my lips. I thought of how delightfully salty his sweat must taste! And as the tempo of the music changed he lifted me and we tore up the floor, sweeping and lunging again.

This was the second dance I’d ever been to dancing Tango. Man was that heady stuff. These Tango guys, oh baby! It was like my very first experience with Tango. The man had me mesmerized. I can be a bit pushy on the dance floor but instead here was this man saying, “don’t think, just let me put you there”. He had demanded my attention. I became so absorbed with just reacting that it became a very intense thing for me. This guy’s confidence and manner were most alluring.

He had me laughing, he was such a flirt! I could see that he loved using the mirrors to take a good look at me each time we passed by. He had put me “in the zone”. The zone is a term I use to describe when I’m working my herding dogs on livestock. It’s a feeling of pressure and connection. A cause and effect that is produced between two energetic bodies. In this case quite a sizzling connection.