Positive Affirmations for Daily Reflection

I am important. I can be happy all by myself. I can choose to be happy whenever I want.

It is not all up to me to make all those around me happy. Happiness comes from within. What happens to them (if they’re not happy) will not hurt me or put me at risk. I can care about someone and support them without feeling my life depends on keeping them happy.

I need to respect my body and do not need to prove how tough I am. I can admit weakness and that is not a fault of character.

It is all right to ask for help.

I accept myself for who I am at this moment and all the moments to come.

If I don’t feel good I can do exactly what I need to, if that means rest then that is okay.

I need no one else to feel complete, even though the company of others is enjoyable.

My opinions have value.

If it doesn’t get done today it’s not the end of the world.

It is okay to watch others work – I don’t have to feel guilty for not jumping in and helping.

I don’t always have to be cheerful – people will still like me for me.

I don’t have to make things happen or do things to feel worthwhile.

It is okay to put myself first.

I deserve love.

Fear sucks.

I’m so exhausted but I know if I lie down now I’ll just toss and turn. I got my hopes up and I wish I hadn’t. I daydream about what I’ll do when I’m recovered. Meet the Marlboro man and wake up every morning to feeding of animals and chores. It’s very romantic really. I’m a dancing, herding cowgirl.

All happy with dust in my hair and mud on my jeans. Working as an equal beside some guy of my dreams who is tough enough to let me lean on him when I’m weary. My big dream – find someone I can lean on. Makes sense if you think about it. Never had a father figure and I don’t trust most men so chances are it will be hard for me to break my pattern of always choosing someone a bit weaker then myself in some ways. Someone I can protect in some fashion. It’s safer that way--they can’t hurt me and I feel needed.

It’s very silly that my biggest wish on bad days is someone to lean on. Someone to hold me close, someone to touch my forehead and soothe the pain way. I want someone to be strong for not only himself but me too.

The dilemma is how can I be his equal if I’m so weak. Here I’m struggling to even leave the house. It’s a battle to clean up my room. Just a battle to stay out of bed. I have no doubt I am supposed to get better, but couldn’t it happen a bit faster?

Wishes and Questions

My biggest deepest most secret wish is that someone will protect me and stick up for me when I’m to sick or to weak to do so.

Why did I have to protect myself from my retched, lecherous Step-Father at nine years old? Why did my Mother allow him to remain in our house after knowing he’d sexually abused me? Was I not important enough to be protected? Why did I have to be left to try to protect myself? Why did I have to live in fear and dread when I was left all alone with him?

Why did my Mom let him tell me how ugly I was and that I would just be an old maid when I grew-up. That I’d wear black and no one would be there to love me?

God to admit these things, they are the things I never talk about. While I was going through the process of doctor’s visits to get qualified for Social Security I had to explain to my family how to help me and tell them what I need them to do. That I needed someone to drive me, that I needed someone to take notes for me, that I needed someone to tell the doctor who I was before all this and how I’d changed.

All the while I wondered secretly why they couldn’t see I needed this help in the first place. Why did I have to tell them I needed this help, wasn’t it obvious? Of course I forget how I play at being okay, and when ask, my first response if always that every thing is fine.

Couldn’t everyone just see to do these things for me and that I needed this help without my asking? What if I weren’t able to speak for myself how shitty that would have been!

When I was in so much pain recuperating from surgery it took both my Mom and ex-husband to nurse me. Neither one of them was strong enough to do this job alone. They had to lean on each other to kind of work through things. Both of them tried their best and my Mom did take me where I needed to go for appointments. But I felt they failed me when I could not talk them through how to help me.

When I screamed in agony.

When the prescription didn’t work and I was in mind bending agony watching my leg muscles rippling visibly in big knotty waves up my leg as I screamed at the top of my lungs incoherently, they just sat wringing their hands and watched me.

Why didn’t they demand help for me? Why did they just watch me, paralyzed with their own helplessness as I screamed? Why didn’t they make a call and have the doctor here me screaming in the background?

The child in me continues this quest for someone I can rely on, is there any possibility that I will find someone strong enough to lean on when needed? That I can place my welfare in their hands, and finally sigh and relax, not worrying about needing to protect myself all the time? I don’t think so. I am now strong enough to be my own protector. And with that I’m feeling so much better!

My ears are ringing. As I listen to the ringing I turn my head scanning for any outside noise. The boys are at my feet and I notice we all have moved our heads back and slowly forth in the same directions scanning for sounds. I’m fascinated. We all three had the same inclination in the calm of the morning. The sun had yet to cross over the horizon and it’s as if we all sit here just waiting for it. A car drives by and perfect calm returns. It’s time to let the ducks out from their safe enclosure. Junior and Shorty take up position next to the doorway as I scoop feed for my hungry ducks. The dogs prevent the ducks from following me into the shed to bet their food. The dogs love this door guarding, Keeping the ducks off me as I come out to scatter feed.

I praise my dogs and there’s big celebration as the dogs happily race each other snapping and chirping barks – to see who can beat who to the house.