Dogs and Doldrums

With a mighty crack the Chiropractor put my neck back into alignment. It took me by surprise. I didn’t expect the pain. “Shit, I whispered as I tried to breathe through the waves of pain it released down my spine. Then put my hand over my mouth. Ooops.

A tear escaped down my face. I’m going to feel so much better come later this afternoon though. Oh happy day -- ready for more dancing, and getting out and about. That was the plan.

My Chiropractor has learned how to be very careful with me. He massages my neck and I smile as he says, “You, my dear are just having too much fun out there aren’t you.” “Yes,” I say, “I use to dance in my head and now I’m doing it for real out on the floor”. I will never take any of it for granted ever again. Down to the simple ability to hold my head up, any of it!

I’ve been down for the count today. I still don’t sleep on nights when I’ve gone out dancing. I should not be so greedy, yet I sit here wishing I could go out jogging in the snow. I miss jogging -- it clears my head. I do my best thinking jogging.

My “are we there yet?” dog, Junior, is sitting and staring at me. He is always wandering around impatient, waiting for action. He just can’t sit still. He really is a funny dog. By the dog’s water dish upstairs I have a pitcher full of water I use to fill the dish when it gets empty. Junior has decided he likes drinking out of that instead of the dog dish. I laugh so hard to watch this dog. He’s actually thought about his preference over using the dog dish.

He’ll put his nose in the dish, then think better of it and stick his nose down inside the pitcher. His head JUST fits. For some reason he likes that he has to do this so carefully as not to knock over the pitcher. Even if there is only a slight amount of water in the bottom he will stretch out his neck and try to reach it before ever considering using the dog dish that’s sitting right there full!

This is the dog that will crawl under the bed to retrieve a ball for Shorty. Shorty is to big to fit under there so Junior, seeing Shorty wants the ball, will wiggle himself on his belly skooching under the bed until he can secure the ball, and pull it back out. He then drops it in front of Shorty and walks away. I find these dogs the most co-operative one’s I’ve ever known. They are so smart, thank god they use their knowledge for good and not evil.

I think Junior would make a great dog version of Lex Luther though, with his black face and very sharp white teeth grinning wickedly at Superman. Hummm, I could use some super powers myself. I catch myself reflecting on red capes and tights.

Bragging Rights.

For some reason I started thinking about my college days and was reminded how it’s amazing that I’ve made it to forty-four. How each year we all survive we should be so thankful and boast about it! Why are there so many of us that hate to have a birthday past eighteen. When really we should all be bragging!

I always think, by god, I’ve survived another year, whoo-hoo!

Maybe it’s because of things that have happened to me along the way. Some of them sure make for good stories. One such incident happened when I was a sophomore in college.


The Time I Got My Head Cracked Open by a Beer Bottle.

Above the drugstore in the small college town of Morehead, there lived several fraternity boys. To me, so young and silly, all frat boys were cute and these were no exception. Restless and looking for action my girlfriend and I decided to go visiting.

It was a short walk across campus to that side of town where she and I planned to see our favorite two frat boys who roomed together.

We climbed the wide stairway that led to the apartments in the upper part of this old brick building, and with a sudden spark of inspiration knocked on their door and ran.

Ducking around the corner, at the bottom of the stairwell, we were well hidden. One of the guys opened the door and looked out. Didn’t see anything and hollered, “Hey, who’s knocking on our door?” Naturally we thought that was pretty funny so we waited and snuck back up to try it again.

We couldn’t keep from giggling. This was just too funny -- hey, we were silly, small town girls -- this was as wild as it got for us!

Well this time one of the guys was waiting, and the door burst open. We went flying down the stairs laughing and running as fast as we could with this big guy in hot pursuit. He caught us at the bottom of the stairs. Putting one of us under each arm, roaring, “I’ve got you now!” and started carrying us up the stairs.

We played our parts well with kicking and screaming to be let down. Looking up I saw the other roommate who announced that we had been very naughty and were about to be punished. With that a black bag of garbage was hurled on our heads, and another, and…

Just as another was being prepared for firing down on us, the guy carrying me yelled, “Stop, Jean’s hurt!”

I wasn’t sure what was happening all I knew was my head hurt and it suddenly felt very warm. That’s when I noticed the blood dripping down my face.

In shock the guy set down my girlfriend and scooped me up in his arms, hurrying me up the upstairs and placing me on their couch. I’d been hit with a beer bottle from one of the bags of garbage and I was bleeding like a stuck pig.

Among the guys now standing over me was a premed major who took over telling everyone, you do not pour anything on a head wound, as others debated on whether my scalp should be cleaned with hydrogen peroxide or not.

It was decided that I be given aspirin for my headache and be entertain and kept awake to make sure I didn’t have a concussion. So we had an impromptu “Jean Got Her Head Cracked Open” party.

Surrounded by the clowns of the fraternity I was sung to by a guy with a ukulele, given an theatrical performance of what guys will do for free pizza, as well as being pampered and fed whatever could be found in the fridge. With the guys drinking and singing through the night we passed the time.

Finally when I was delivered home to my dorm, I got a good look at myself. I was amazed my whole head of hair was orange! Later that afternoon I cleaned up and decided to try to make it to one of my classes. Guess I did have a little concussion because I never made it there, but passed out on the sidewalk, where a couple students found and took me back to my room.

I really never considered myself a wild girl but now that I look back I realize I do have some pretty wild stories to tell about biker bars out in the middle of nowhere, bootleggers, fighting with bouncers, dating identical twin brothers, and even my accidental burning down of a frat house. (Yet another fraternity I reeked havoc with)

If I have learned anything it’s to live life fearlessly.

I was irriated to find that I had a growing interest in a man who is in a long-term relationship. Oddly enough, even on introducing his girlfriend to me, he didn’t refer to her as his girlfriend, which left me confused with his using “we” in her presence and “I” when she wasn’t around. That and the fact he would say things like, “If I knew you were going out I would have met you there.” There’s a guy whose mouth must get him in a world of trouble.

And still more puzzling to me was the fact that it was not obvious that they were a couple until the end of the evening when they left together. He demonstrated no affection towards her nor she towards him. I know there aren’t many women like me, so prone to showing public displays of affection. God knows not everyone feels comfortable sitting on a guy's lap the way I'm known to do out in public. But really, I had no clue they were an item. If that were my man, I'd be kissing on him, and touching him all the time. But that's just me.

And most strange, as we sat chatting, he asked to hold my hand. How odd is that! At the time I didn't think anything of it. Until of course his girlfriend walked up and was really looking me over and his "I's" changed to "We's".

Anyway I asked this guy later if he did in fact have a girlfriend. That's how unclear it was. (She could have been his sister for all I knew -- ha wishful thinking on my part) Well he actually hesitated AND THEN SAID, “Well, yes sort of.”

Sort of??

If that's not bad enough then he says, "In the certain circles, people consider her my girlfriend".

Implying that maybe he doesn't -- what??

People, life is too short to be in any kind of “sort of” relationship! Now there’s a foolish man playing games and what about his girlfriend? Man, do I feel sorry for her! This guy has no respect for her or himself. At least that is how it looks. He keeps up appearances to her face but behind her back…

I know absolutely no one in this particular social circle. What I don’t need is a bad rap or an enemy because I thought to pursue another woman’s man. Having been trapped in my bed a couple of years has really changed my perspective on life. No more wasted time! I remain true to myself and will command respect from others. In that same vein I will be respectful of those around me as well. That goes for relationships, iffy or other wise.

And to think here I am just so damn lucky to even be out there! For me (and those that know me) it’s a miracle I’m even on my feet let alone out and about. You would think the chronic pain would be enough to do me in. But thank god for that fire in me that keeps me going! I guess I feel things more strongly because I must over come this pain to live life. I don’t take things for granted anymore. I sure wouldn't take a relationship for granted. Actually I don't think I ever have.

After this though my confidence was a bit shaken. 'Cause crap I thought the guy liked me. And for a while there I thought the guy was single. Too funny! He's not interested in me, I think he's just bored. Flirting can be a form of entertainment, it boosts the ego to banter about back and forth like that. With him I think this is definitely the case. It's not that I don't like flirting but when I do it with my men friends, it is a mutal admiration kind of deal. I am very straight forward they know I'm not leading up to anything. I'm just loving them for who they are. I am honest with them and expect them to be honest with me.

Here I am the new girl trying to find her way out in public life once more. No one to protect me here. I've been spoiled, at Rush there are so many watching out for me. With these people in this new dance circle, who cares if I get hurt. Emotionally or physically. No one to lean on here. Ron, Jim, Wess, I need to lean my head on your shoulders. Where are the good guys to watch out for me? I'm feeling a little beat up over here.

Thankfully Mr. Bob (a seventy year old flirt himself) called me today and said he would try to come up from Iowa to see me if the weather improves. It’s so good to have such dear friends that love me! He and I can sit and laugh about this and he can tell me some of his misadventures with flirting. He has made his past wives crazy with jealousy. One tried to poison him, I believe, and another shot one of his dogs while he was away. This man has lived quite a life. I bet he wrote the book on being a ladies man!

He says women, like me, drive men crazy -- that they can’t help themselves. He tells me it’s because I’m not lonely and my smile lights the place up. That I can take a man or leave him. He tells me he will take me out to eat and kiss me on the neck and make sure I know how wonderful I am. He is not the only man who tells me these things but he is a most trusted friend and it never hurts to hear it again and again. Seriously he's the Dad I never had!

Sure it does sadden me that I can’t fully express my affections for someone. There is nothing more powerful than loving and being loved. Connecting. I want to touch the small of a man’s back as we kiss. Reach up underneath his suit jacket with my hands on his back and hold him tight, run my hands down over his body. Place my face into the side of his neck and smell him where he can feel my breath and desire next to his ear.

I want to playfully sit in a man’s lap and laugh at the joy of simply being there. Lightly touch the palm of his hand, starting at its center, causing him to feel the tingle as I move upward -- gently brushing with my fingertips until they meet his and entwine. Most of all I want to hear him groan when I kiss him.

I am so glad I can be reminded that I am a very sexual being, and that there will be possibilities again in my future for my expressing myself in this way.

I think it’s terribly unfair though that I should meet a man I thought could stand up to me, one that had qualities like -- confidence, playfulness, and an outgoing nature. Unfortunately it doesn't out weigh qualities like -- honor, integrity, or a respect for one's self and others.

I haven't been interested in anyone in over two and a half years -- what a crying shame. Oh well.

Guess my pursuit still continues not only to find a repectable guy but one that can be kissed by me, and not turn entirely to mush. God, it's been forever since I've kissed a guy that could turn around and knock me off my feet. Someone as strong as I am on the inside. But that won't be some poor fool who is in a “sort of” relationship. I’m sure there’s some reason I was suppose to know this man. It will get ironed out over time. Either I will learn something knowing him or he will learn something knowing me.

For some reason I think I was meant to be placed in his path. Maybe to stir things up.

Damn I love life, am I crazy or what?!

The Saturday Night Christmas Party

How I love the company of men! Hanging out all night in the front room at Carol’s was such a great way to spend the evening. It seemed this was guy’s territory -- the women having the next room over. I just plopped myself there on the sofa and started talking to my friend Ron about marshal arts. Guess it surprised him to find I’d been serious into karate too at one point. We chatted about the challenges of preparing for brown belt testing, chi, meridians and chakras.

I relived my past and he talked expectantly of his future.

There was David telling us about the farrier and how he lined all his mules up in a row to get their hooves trimmed. I checked out one of his mule magazines and started wishing I could have a mule – such clever creatures.

We talked about hunting and I got a debate going on how hormones in a rutting buck would make the meat more gamey, drawing on my conclusions from eating a ram lamb the summer before. But I was way out of my league when it came to tractor pulls. I didn’t have a clue! Miles, Ray’s boy, explained hydraulics, chrome and fancy paint jobs to me. I was in heaven.

Oh, it was a marvelous time as I basked in the company of men.

Feed me! -- a story about eating and amino acids.

Eating has always been a big thing for me. If you want to win my heart don’t bring me flowers or jewelry. Bring me Salmon or Pomegranates. I love food!

Sadly for me even though I love to eat I’ve been struggling to get the nutrients I need. Each person with CFIDS is different and there is no one “key” to wellness for this disease. For me it began with eating and it seems to be an ongoing battle I work on daily.

This summer it was discovered I have a magnesium deficiency, and I'm also not getting the correct necessary amino acids to function. I’ve been learning a lot about amino acids lately. And I feel great! But it hasn't been easy trying to figure out this stuff.

It was this discovery that even with eating the right diet, using all the proper food combinations, and adding supplements, I was still not getting the nutrients I needed. Even with all the good stuff I ate, my body couldn’t put it to use. Man, talk about frustrating. How could this be?

It had gotten so bad that I was in a constant battle with my weight. For one thing my stomach juices were too alkaline and not acidic enough. Okay, so I took digestive enzymes to aid me. Things still didn't change and I developed food allergies. My struggle continued.

These allergies caused me to have severe pressure on my chest, a tight knot in my throat making hard to swallow and even labored breathing. It was like being on the roller coaster from hell. Hungry enough to eat a horse, or no appetite at all, eating constantly to try to boost my energy but still losing weight on top of it! And yes people, there were other problems that attributed to this like parasites, and yeast. But still after addressing those concerns my digestive problems continued.

I went on a medical food diet to build up my gut and keep me going. It was the only way readily for me to digest the proper balance of nutrients. And yet I wasn't absorbing enough of the right stuff to really turn things around for me. This has been a long battle. How could my most favorite thing in life turn against me? This was so unfair!

It was not until I found a doctor who chose to utilize both Allopathic and Naturopathic medicine in his practice that I got all the answers I needed. And believe me, I needed help from all angles!

If you aren’t familiar with the terms Allopathic and Naturopathic, this section right here might help you.

Allopathic Health care is the diagnosis of germs or viruses, preventions in the form of vaccinations, drug treatments and surgical procedures; all associated with the American medical care system. These doctors run their practices closely with guidelines set-up by health insurance companies. An allopathic doctor will have the title of MD (medical doctor) after their name.

Naturopathic Medicine is science based on the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention found in the form of diet, nutrition, and lifestyle changes. An emphasis is placed on the importance for patients to manage their own long-term health. These doctors are not restricted by health insurance companies and can run many tests beyond the scope of the dictates of the insurance companies. A naturopathic doctor will have the title of ND (naturopathic doctor) after their name. Chiropractors hold the middle ground with being able to accept insurance claims and still practice natural healthcare. The title after their names is DC. (doctor of chiropractic)

Since most people are less familiar with Naturopathic doctors, I’ll give you a little more information on them. In Canada, naturopathic medicine is regulated in BC, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Ontario and there are four accredited naturopathic colleges in North America. Licensed NDs complete internationally standardized board exams and are self-regulated in the same way MDs are.

Wow, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s go back to diet and nutrition. It was just crazy trying to piece together what would help me with this problem. I discovered that if I just focused on amino acids alone that wasn’t enough to give me the boost I needed to get back to wellness.

Neither was just focusing on my magnesium deficiency the whole answer. I needed both.

I was so magnesium deficient, that I had to learn to give myself injections. These are extremely painful and sometimes even cause muscle spasms. With the injections I was finding relief in a general sense. My breathing wasn’t as labored and I had an overall feeling of wellness. BUT I still lacked energy. That's where the amino acids came into play.

At first I tried taking different amino acid supplements. One was tyrosine. And although tyrosine was helpful, giving me spurts of energy, I suffered from lower lows. I’d be up doing stuff and then collapse in bed until time to take more tyrosine, starting the cycle all over again. It was just craziness.

That wasn't working. So I took a specific test for which types I was lacking.Using information from a complete amino acid test, a special formulated batch of aminos was made up for me. Talk about putting the pep in my step! I was giddy. I no longer ached as much or struggled with feelings of sadness. Even my appetite came up. And happy day, giving myself shots now were suddenly less painful. This was a big deal – I’m telling you! The amino acids were doing their job to create the chemistry in my brain to handle pain. It just had to be the exact right combination to do the trick.

But silly me, being who I am, I decided to wean myself off the magnesium injections entirely. (I hate being a human pin cushion) So I took a supplement instead. Soon my butt began to drag and I was laid up in bed once more. Ah, I couldn't think what my problem was. (Duh!?!) Back to the magnesium shots I went. By the way, for people with CFIDS this is a common problem to have. (To learn more about this deficiency and whether you may have it go to: http://www.hair-and-water-testing.com/magnesiumimportance.htm)

My world is a delicate balancing act and I have to remind myself I walk a thin line. Over time I have every confidence that as my body becomes more strong it will start generating and creating the amino acids and absorb magnesium more naturally though my foods. Until then I need to help myself out all I can.

Amino acids are a huge subject all on it’s own. A while back I read a book called “The Diet Cure” by Julia Ross, M.A. and was blown away. Who knew that all my misery with CFIDS (both emotionally and physically) could be lifted from me by using my new learned knowledge of amino acids!

I learned about how these amino acids affect brain chemistry and our emotions. How it relieves physical problems like hypoglycemia or diabetes.

Since I was not properly digesting my food I had actually been going through some severe malnutrition (following this blog I’ll attach a letter a colleague wrote on my behalf to Social Security about this problem) and my brain couldn’t even function but now I had the tools to fight back and finding the right amino acids for my body was a big step in the right direction. And happy day to find it was as simple as taking a blood test to know what I was lacking, go figure!

In the Land of the Living

I went to the mall today. Yes, the MALL. People let me tell you this is a big deal! I haven’t been to a mall shopping in at least four years. For me, it was a matter of not having enough strength to walk around and find the stores I wanted to see. Well I am finally back to living the life of a normal person.

Sure my back was screaming at me. That’s the tough thing, my energy is returning but my back pain is keeping me limited right now. Still it was great, I actually shopped, walking into several stores. Watch out people, I'm back in the land of the living and I feel great!!!

Walking along I heard this scuffing noise coming in my direction. From one scuffer to another I recognized this guy as he passed me by and smiled to myself. Here was another person who walked around with out tying his bootlaces -- just like me. But that’s why I’m in the mall, to evolve from frump girl to attractive gal. Having looked in my closet recently for something nice to wear dancing, I realized my closet looked like a guy’s. All guy work shirts, over size sweatshirts and jeans.

Part of the reason I had remained frump girl for so long was my love for comfort and being outdoors. I’m a sporty type person anyway. The not so good reason I continually dress in men’s and boy’s wear is that women’s clothes don’t fit me. Me and my boyish figure struggle with being in our mid forties now and still not having a womanly curve anywhere to be found.

But as luck would have it, low cut jeans are in style and with that for some reason they fall differently on me and I actually now have two -- in fashion -- pair of women’s jeans to my name! Don’t get me wrong I love my wranglers. It's just nice to be more feminine some days.

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Moving through the mall was exhilarating. It’s Christmas time and I sat and watched the children all lined up to see Santa.

Great fun! In came Santa ringing his bell as he and his helper made their procession to the little red roped off Christmas fantasy. Surrounded by big decked out trees and wrapped presents Santa sat down in his velvet chair ready for business. Man, was this fun to watch as the kids got to see Santa. It’s so good to be out and about shopping. Ho, ho, ho, everybody – Merry Christmas!

Yellow ball

He stirs me back to the present. I was reading a book, escaped to another world, and a wet yellow ball was shoved in my lap. Shorty snatched it back up chomping and growling – shoving it back in my lap yet again.

"Could he not leave me alone?", I thought. THIS was a good book.

He sat and barked at me, “Stop that, why can’t you just be in the moment” “Live in the now…now is time to play!”

“Okay, okay” I told him as I admired his toy, laughing at his playful challenge setting my book down.

With that there came a barrage of toys. Shorty dashed all around gathering them to me and running off for more. He was looking to see which one I’d prefer.

I liked the yellow ball best I guess, at least that’s what he thought so he left it with me before bouncing off to find some other interesting adventure, as always remaining in the moment.

I sighed and picked up my book again.

Finding reasons to laugh

I have an ancient secret to wellness locked inside me. It bubbles up from time to time regardless of whether I have a say in things or not. It’s in the power of the universe and it rolls along everyone’s path like a mighty force. It’s laughter.

In my most desperate and struggling times I have banned my television, radio and reading materials from the outside news. No more was I going to watch or listen to who had bombed who, who had died in a tragic accident and who was arrested for a robbery.

Renting only funny movies and surrounding myself with clowns and lighthearted folk, I strived to invent and create my own plan for wellness. I gathered around me positive friends and silly playful pets. Yes people, I had a plan. I was going to enjoy my life no matter what!

I’m telling you right now it works. Anyone who is sick can tell you that those times that they can lose themselves to laughter are wondrous times indeed.

It’s hell when the body is so ill it no longer has the proper chemicals to fire up feelings of wellness in the brain or is in constant pain that must be managed with daily.

The brain shoots out druglike responses that help us cope with pain, stress and stimulates us to action. When we are unable to digest or create within our bodies these precious chemicals through chains of complex amino acids, we suffer. Others can look at us from the outside and see nothing amiss. Inside though, it can be a battle of pain or depression -- enough to make us lose our minds because we know nothing from the outside is causing it.

During really weak periods of time, I would experience lots of pain and depression. As I felt these emotions weighing me down I tried to find reasons in my life for having these feelings. At first I didn’t recognize that I could just feel depressed for no reason that is until I actually had nothing to be depressed about. Boy then did that get me thinking!

Like all those times that I was short of money to pay bills before. They’d never made me depressed before. Sure it wasn’t fun to be stuck in that situation but I didn’t get depressed over that kind of thing. So why did I need to gather up that and anything else I could think of to satisfy my need to validate my depressed state now?

Once I realized I was feeling depressed in my body and not in my head, I knew I could counter act those lows by surrounding myself with positivity. So until such a time when I could get the right balance of nutrients and straighten out my brain’s chemistry, I was just going to have to help myself in this. (I promise I will write more about this problem of brain chemistry later because it can solve so many of a CFSers health issues that it is most important. But right now, I’ve just gotta talk about laughter …)


Every reason I could find to laugh or smile was pulled out of the magic hat of life. Funny movies were watched. I got bouncy funny dogs to make me laugh everyday. I turned on the radio and listened to music. Dancing in my head and singing along. I read books that had me cheering for the hero or heroine.

Call me crazy but it got me through.

There I’d be so terribly sad, starting to think of reasons why I was feeling so miserable, the tears would come – oh poor me – as I wallowed in waves of self pity. Then “ta da!” from around the corner my dogs would come into my vision. Chasing each other, sliding across the floor and “wham!” Junior wouldn’t be able to put the brakes on fast enough and slide right into a wall. Now that’s pretty funny. In an instant I’d be laughing so hard I couldn’t even remember what my pity list had been from a moment before. Saved by some clowning around from my dogs.

Yup, since my brain and body wasn’t working right I had to really make some effort to fight back with my most trusty arsenal. Humor. And you can too.

You win a few, you lose a few.

In 1997 as I began to worry about what was happening to my energy and strength, I sought the advice of holistic practitioners. I had gone through the rounds of regular medical doctors and was beginning to realize that there was no quick fix for my problems.

There were no drugs for this, I was going to have to deal with these problems not each separately but as a whole. One of the casualties of my health’s decline was a loss of friends. During this time I had referred a close friend to my naturopath’s clinic. I was eager to hear what she thought of my doctor, who I hoped was going to help me back to wellness.

We all went out for dinner. There were five of us, my girlfriend, her husband, my brother and my husband. (and me) As we sat around the table eating, my friend told me, she was not impressed by this doctor I’d referred her to. I was really upset she didn’t like this practitioner at all because this doctor was going to be the answer to my prayers! I tried to dissuade her and change her opinion but it was a no-go.

I was so insistent that she laughed and told me the only reason I wanted her to like this doctor was so I could get the approval I desperately needed. This was true. I wanted that doctor to have all the answers and save me from this illness! She took it further saying that I was always looking for other people’s approval in everything, sighting my competing with my obedience dogs at dog trials. She felt the only reason I trialed dogs was to get someone else’s approval. That hurt me and I didn’t feel that was fair. She had gone too far.

I broke down and cried in the parking lot as we left the restaurant making a huge scene. I told them, yes, I was scared that I was just going to get worse and that yes I did hope that this doctor could help me. No one said a word to me. I remember looking over and seeing my brother’s mouth wide open with surprise. My brother wasn't use to seeing me cry like that, my family sees me as the strong one.

I felt so let down and misunderstood by this girlfriend. She really thought that, all in all, I was looking for approval in all that I did. I remembered her laugh in which she seemed so condescending towards me, sighting her example of the dog shows I attended. I had always seen this trialing of dogs, as a means to measure my dog training skills. I am at heart a self-improver and achiever. Taking a test to get to the next level was always a challenge I loved. I felt terribly misunderstood and more then ever alone.

Because she had gone too far in her assessment of me and didn’t support me in my fears, I broke my friendship with her. I felt she really misunderstood me. However could I have a friend in someone who looked down on me so? She never said she was sorry for hurting me with her words and repairs were never made between us. I still to this day don't hold her for right or wrong, but I chalk up our mutal loss, to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

As I watched my life disintegrate before my eyes, it still amazes me how those close to me couldn’t see how horribly scared I was. Perhaps I was just too good at covering up my problems and putting a positive spin on things, however was I to know that in a couple of years I would be stuck in bed and unable to leave my house without great effort and that my fears had been well-founded.

As I look back I realize how hard it must have been for my friends and family to understand what was happening to me when I sure didn’t know myself. There have been many friends that have passed through my life as I slowed down and left my house less and less. Those few that took opportunities to visit me from time to time or help me with some chore are truly great friends. Those that helped me move or took me to the doctor I am most thankful for! That one special friend that supported me anonymously (I now know who you are!) by paying for herding lessons so I could continue doing what I love - training my dogs - has been a godsend!

For each friend I lost along the way there were others to take their place. Life, I guess is like that, huh? A big ever-changing river as it moves along adding and subtracting from its path.

Trusting Life and Sunday night dancing

Damn this personal struggle! This pathetic and weak body! Damn the fighter within me that drives me! It’s four in the morning and I can’t sleep due to the pain. I’m shaking all over. When you live for each moment the way that I do these times are the hardest. So here I am dealing with it and at my computer at four in the morning.

I had to get up and write, lying in bed and thinking about how I miss wrapping myself in a man’s warmth and strength has me loosing my mind. It was impossible to keep myself warm tonight and the Kelpies were called to my side as I shivered in my bed full of longing. God I miss someone to touch my forehead and soothe the pain away.

Every so often I miss my old life. I’m not a materialistic person but last night dancing at the Loring I did feel that twinge of past memory and wishing for things gone by. I use to have money and nice things. I use to come out to places like this and sip wine and dine. Now I’m on the outside looking in. I go and dance and no one knows anything about me but that I’m a pretty face in the crowd.

When I left my husband he was so shocked that I choose this life. He didn’t see how I would manage but I am VERY resourceful. I’m prideful of my independent nature. I left the comfort of Seventy-some thousand a year to live this way in poverty. Sometimes even I can’t believe it. Actually it’s okay, but from time to time I sigh and remember.

Good wine, nice food, I do miss those things from time to time. My lawyer couldn’t believe that I was choosing a life of poverty and disability, that I was adamant about not wanting alimony. How could I even consider it though?

Alimony would keep that connection going between my ex-husband and myself. It would have never allowed him to truly move on and it would have dulled my resourcefulness. It just wouldn’t have been me. And so here I sit.

[I knew it upset him to watch me do this. He was so worried for me. But you know me -- just keep moving forward -- things will work out some how. I make it work out somehow. Didn’t he know that about me in the first place? That I was always this way?]

When I’m out dancing, folks talk about paying for privates and special instructors, the cost of which is equaled to two weeks worth of groceries or more! I’m so funny everything is measured by how much food I could buy with that. I now live 36% below the poverty level on about thirteen thousand a year.

Wow, and I’m managing with my doctors bills even! How do I do that you ask? I make sure to live within my means, debt free, and I opened up my house to others with limited resources.

Yes, I take in roommates to pay my mortgage, I barter with my doctors, and I’m good with a budget…any clothes I buy are usually less then four dollars at the goodwill store. (Hey the only one that knows is me!) And besides with a little creative sewing here and there I can make most anything fit me.

By allowing myself to trust life things just always work out.

My ex believed I’d return to him at some point -- there is a nice big house waiting for me in North Carolina. But seriously, for all this struggle, I realize I am a happy person. I like my life with all the challenges it holds. I’m happy.

Sure I live a most unconventional lifestyle with two roommates half my age but hey, for me, this has kept me in balance. No really, I’m so lucky to have found wonderful roommates. They bring me such joy. They share their world with me and I them. It’s the perfect solution. I was designed to be someone’s companion and so I tend to get lonely from time to time. It’s just my nature to be living with another person. So now I’m lucky to have these two roomies and their boyfriends, the dogs, and the ducks. The house is filled with joy, life and laughter. This is how I keep myself in balance since I know I do need to live with others.

Gee, guess I just needed to remind myself how wonderful my life is now. Who needs the wine and fancy stuff. My life is full and I’m complete. Now if only this body would allow me to sleep I could get on with life.