You win a few, you lose a few.

In 1997 as I began to worry about what was happening to my energy and strength, I sought the advice of holistic practitioners. I had gone through the rounds of regular medical doctors and was beginning to realize that there was no quick fix for my problems.

There were no drugs for this, I was going to have to deal with these problems not each separately but as a whole. One of the casualties of my health’s decline was a loss of friends. During this time I had referred a close friend to my naturopath’s clinic. I was eager to hear what she thought of my doctor, who I hoped was going to help me back to wellness.

We all went out for dinner. There were five of us, my girlfriend, her husband, my brother and my husband. (and me) As we sat around the table eating, my friend told me, she was not impressed by this doctor I’d referred her to. I was really upset she didn’t like this practitioner at all because this doctor was going to be the answer to my prayers! I tried to dissuade her and change her opinion but it was a no-go.

I was so insistent that she laughed and told me the only reason I wanted her to like this doctor was so I could get the approval I desperately needed. This was true. I wanted that doctor to have all the answers and save me from this illness! She took it further saying that I was always looking for other people’s approval in everything, sighting my competing with my obedience dogs at dog trials. She felt the only reason I trialed dogs was to get someone else’s approval. That hurt me and I didn’t feel that was fair. She had gone too far.

I broke down and cried in the parking lot as we left the restaurant making a huge scene. I told them, yes, I was scared that I was just going to get worse and that yes I did hope that this doctor could help me. No one said a word to me. I remember looking over and seeing my brother’s mouth wide open with surprise. My brother wasn't use to seeing me cry like that, my family sees me as the strong one.

I felt so let down and misunderstood by this girlfriend. She really thought that, all in all, I was looking for approval in all that I did. I remembered her laugh in which she seemed so condescending towards me, sighting her example of the dog shows I attended. I had always seen this trialing of dogs, as a means to measure my dog training skills. I am at heart a self-improver and achiever. Taking a test to get to the next level was always a challenge I loved. I felt terribly misunderstood and more then ever alone.

Because she had gone too far in her assessment of me and didn’t support me in my fears, I broke my friendship with her. I felt she really misunderstood me. However could I have a friend in someone who looked down on me so? She never said she was sorry for hurting me with her words and repairs were never made between us. I still to this day don't hold her for right or wrong, but I chalk up our mutal loss, to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

As I watched my life disintegrate before my eyes, it still amazes me how those close to me couldn’t see how horribly scared I was. Perhaps I was just too good at covering up my problems and putting a positive spin on things, however was I to know that in a couple of years I would be stuck in bed and unable to leave my house without great effort and that my fears had been well-founded.

As I look back I realize how hard it must have been for my friends and family to understand what was happening to me when I sure didn’t know myself. There have been many friends that have passed through my life as I slowed down and left my house less and less. Those few that took opportunities to visit me from time to time or help me with some chore are truly great friends. Those that helped me move or took me to the doctor I am most thankful for! That one special friend that supported me anonymously (I now know who you are!) by paying for herding lessons so I could continue doing what I love - training my dogs - has been a godsend!

For each friend I lost along the way there were others to take their place. Life, I guess is like that, huh? A big ever-changing river as it moves along adding and subtracting from its path.