If I have learned anything it’s to live life fearlessly.

I was irriated to find that I had a growing interest in a man who is in a long-term relationship. Oddly enough, even on introducing his girlfriend to me, he didn’t refer to her as his girlfriend, which left me confused with his using “we” in her presence and “I” when she wasn’t around. That and the fact he would say things like, “If I knew you were going out I would have met you there.” There’s a guy whose mouth must get him in a world of trouble.

And still more puzzling to me was the fact that it was not obvious that they were a couple until the end of the evening when they left together. He demonstrated no affection towards her nor she towards him. I know there aren’t many women like me, so prone to showing public displays of affection. God knows not everyone feels comfortable sitting on a guy's lap the way I'm known to do out in public. But really, I had no clue they were an item. If that were my man, I'd be kissing on him, and touching him all the time. But that's just me.

And most strange, as we sat chatting, he asked to hold my hand. How odd is that! At the time I didn't think anything of it. Until of course his girlfriend walked up and was really looking me over and his "I's" changed to "We's".

Anyway I asked this guy later if he did in fact have a girlfriend. That's how unclear it was. (She could have been his sister for all I knew -- ha wishful thinking on my part) Well he actually hesitated AND THEN SAID, “Well, yes sort of.”

Sort of??

If that's not bad enough then he says, "In the certain circles, people consider her my girlfriend".

Implying that maybe he doesn't -- what??

People, life is too short to be in any kind of “sort of” relationship! Now there’s a foolish man playing games and what about his girlfriend? Man, do I feel sorry for her! This guy has no respect for her or himself. At least that is how it looks. He keeps up appearances to her face but behind her back…

I know absolutely no one in this particular social circle. What I don’t need is a bad rap or an enemy because I thought to pursue another woman’s man. Having been trapped in my bed a couple of years has really changed my perspective on life. No more wasted time! I remain true to myself and will command respect from others. In that same vein I will be respectful of those around me as well. That goes for relationships, iffy or other wise.

And to think here I am just so damn lucky to even be out there! For me (and those that know me) it’s a miracle I’m even on my feet let alone out and about. You would think the chronic pain would be enough to do me in. But thank god for that fire in me that keeps me going! I guess I feel things more strongly because I must over come this pain to live life. I don’t take things for granted anymore. I sure wouldn't take a relationship for granted. Actually I don't think I ever have.

After this though my confidence was a bit shaken. 'Cause crap I thought the guy liked me. And for a while there I thought the guy was single. Too funny! He's not interested in me, I think he's just bored. Flirting can be a form of entertainment, it boosts the ego to banter about back and forth like that. With him I think this is definitely the case. It's not that I don't like flirting but when I do it with my men friends, it is a mutal admiration kind of deal. I am very straight forward they know I'm not leading up to anything. I'm just loving them for who they are. I am honest with them and expect them to be honest with me.

Here I am the new girl trying to find her way out in public life once more. No one to protect me here. I've been spoiled, at Rush there are so many watching out for me. With these people in this new dance circle, who cares if I get hurt. Emotionally or physically. No one to lean on here. Ron, Jim, Wess, I need to lean my head on your shoulders. Where are the good guys to watch out for me? I'm feeling a little beat up over here.

Thankfully Mr. Bob (a seventy year old flirt himself) called me today and said he would try to come up from Iowa to see me if the weather improves. It’s so good to have such dear friends that love me! He and I can sit and laugh about this and he can tell me some of his misadventures with flirting. He has made his past wives crazy with jealousy. One tried to poison him, I believe, and another shot one of his dogs while he was away. This man has lived quite a life. I bet he wrote the book on being a ladies man!

He says women, like me, drive men crazy -- that they can’t help themselves. He tells me it’s because I’m not lonely and my smile lights the place up. That I can take a man or leave him. He tells me he will take me out to eat and kiss me on the neck and make sure I know how wonderful I am. He is not the only man who tells me these things but he is a most trusted friend and it never hurts to hear it again and again. Seriously he's the Dad I never had!

Sure it does sadden me that I can’t fully express my affections for someone. There is nothing more powerful than loving and being loved. Connecting. I want to touch the small of a man’s back as we kiss. Reach up underneath his suit jacket with my hands on his back and hold him tight, run my hands down over his body. Place my face into the side of his neck and smell him where he can feel my breath and desire next to his ear.

I want to playfully sit in a man’s lap and laugh at the joy of simply being there. Lightly touch the palm of his hand, starting at its center, causing him to feel the tingle as I move upward -- gently brushing with my fingertips until they meet his and entwine. Most of all I want to hear him groan when I kiss him.

I am so glad I can be reminded that I am a very sexual being, and that there will be possibilities again in my future for my expressing myself in this way.

I think it’s terribly unfair though that I should meet a man I thought could stand up to me, one that had qualities like -- confidence, playfulness, and an outgoing nature. Unfortunately it doesn't out weigh qualities like -- honor, integrity, or a respect for one's self and others.

I haven't been interested in anyone in over two and a half years -- what a crying shame. Oh well.

Guess my pursuit still continues not only to find a repectable guy but one that can be kissed by me, and not turn entirely to mush. God, it's been forever since I've kissed a guy that could turn around and knock me off my feet. Someone as strong as I am on the inside. But that won't be some poor fool who is in a “sort of” relationship. I’m sure there’s some reason I was suppose to know this man. It will get ironed out over time. Either I will learn something knowing him or he will learn something knowing me.

For some reason I think I was meant to be placed in his path. Maybe to stir things up.

Damn I love life, am I crazy or what?!