Fear sucks.

I’m so exhausted but I know if I lie down now I’ll just toss and turn. I got my hopes up and I wish I hadn’t. I daydream about what I’ll do when I’m recovered. Meet the Marlboro man and wake up every morning to feeding of animals and chores. It’s very romantic really. I’m a dancing, herding cowgirl.

All happy with dust in my hair and mud on my jeans. Working as an equal beside some guy of my dreams who is tough enough to let me lean on him when I’m weary. My big dream – find someone I can lean on. Makes sense if you think about it. Never had a father figure and I don’t trust most men so chances are it will be hard for me to break my pattern of always choosing someone a bit weaker then myself in some ways. Someone I can protect in some fashion. It’s safer that way--they can’t hurt me and I feel needed.

It’s very silly that my biggest wish on bad days is someone to lean on. Someone to hold me close, someone to touch my forehead and soothe the pain way. I want someone to be strong for not only himself but me too.

The dilemma is how can I be his equal if I’m so weak. Here I’m struggling to even leave the house. It’s a battle to clean up my room. Just a battle to stay out of bed. I have no doubt I am supposed to get better, but couldn’t it happen a bit faster?