Grouchy Me.

Yesterday I was struggling and in an irritable mood trying to stay pleasant and dance at practica with the guys. My Tango partner was telling me how weak he felt when he had a cold and how he couldn’t even muster enough energy to walk his dog. I told him I feel like that every day. Inside I was a bit angry (I was really grouchy!) but reminded myself that not everyone gets just what it’s like to have CFS.

He was shocked. I had to laugh because I can put on a good show. I have gotten good at mustering up myself for a couple of hours dancing. Driving home shaking like a leaf and setting cruise control because even steering is a challenge. My head’s a bubble at these times and it takes everything to concentrate on my driving and get my butt home.

You might say why don’t I just stay home when I feel like this? Well I always feel like this so why let life pass me by because it’s a little more difficult for me then others? Believe me this is nothing compared to the good old days!

Today I remind myself how far I’ve come. My dance partner at one point last night asked me – when I feel really sick – who cooks for me? At the time I just stared at him dumbly and said I cook for myself.

That’s when I began to remember how it used to be for me and my attitude lightened up.

It was only four years ago that I used a cooking stool in my kitchen. I couldn’t stand for more then a minute or two at a time so browning up meat for spaghetti or frying a hamburger was too hard to do so I had the cooking stool I sat on in front of the stove. I even remember crawling across the kitchen floor when my legs were giving out so I could feed my Shorty dog. During those days I did have my family to bring me food when I was too ill to get out of bed so in that way I was very lucky.

I still have the red chair by the entryway to the kitchen that I sit in to rest while I’m cooking in the kitchen but that is nothing. I now move normally throughout my whole house cleaning in little spurts, and I can cook myself anything I want.

Last night I realized it was envy I was feeling that my dance partner could be sick for a week and go back to normal while I’m still stuck here somewhere in the twilight zone. But no worries, I won’t stay feeling sorry for myself to long. I will be fine in a day or two, I always am.