Seven men are loaded up, sitting in a helicopter with a box carrying nitroglycerin containers on a rescue mission up top Mount Everest. As they lift off the ground on this impossible mission one of the hero’s lifts up off his butt looking under him to the right, then looks under himself to the left. Finally he grabs one of his legs and raises it as far over his head as he can. In exasperation the guy sitting next to him says, “What are you doing?” and our unlikely hero says, “I’m trying to kiss my ass goodbye.”

Well here I am trying to arrange a get together…oh good grief, I can’t even type it…DATE. It feels more like some impossibly dangerous mission. Each word a potential canister of nitro that could explode at any time. Yes, I’m prepared at any moment to “kiss my ass good bye”.

Wow, amazing how much turmoil can be caused in waiting for a response back on this. Sometimes I feel like it’s a bit hopeless – this meeting someone and taking a chance there might be a spark there. I step up. Then I wait to see what happens next. Will the other person respond positively?

Each and every step seems so impossible, so much more unlikely. When do I open up and have to share my lack of normalcy? The most profoundly embarrassing truth, that I never know exactly from one day to the next, just what I can do physically. How could any normal healthy man be attracted to that?

I choose active, outgoing social men. What in God’s name can I possibly offer them? I feel like crap just now.

I’m feeling most vulnerable. In my head I’m still thinking like a physically active person, the reality smacks into me head on like a Mac truck. I am no longer a physically active person. However did I think I could keep up with one?

Then I'm thinking, when was the last time I was in love, and had a sane, interesting man in my life? Not since I was a married person, that would make it 4 years now. Yikes!

I have dated but not in almost two years. I’ve turned down so many guys. I simply wasn’t interested. But now… Now it’s nerve wracking cause I actually like someone. (someone who's actually single )

Oh man, I’m feeling hopeless, very hopeless right now. Sure, I should appreciate the fact that this is life, proof that I’m getting well and can feel this way once again, that I should relish these emotions since they so seldom come to me.

I must remind myself who I am and that I am no coward, if I make a complete ass out of myself then so what? That maybe this guy might still see in me what my friends do. That perhaps he’ll see all the life I have in me, whether it shows on the outside all the time or not. Okay, I’m feeling better about this. Maybe I’m not a complete idiot after all. By Wednesday I think I’ll be able to manage going out to Rush with my head held high in his presence. And by then maybe my words won’t feel so much like nitro waiting to explode each time I say something to him.

Is it possible that like our goofy hero in the helicopter, I too can survive this dangerous mission?